Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Having never been in the armed services....

because they wouldn't have me, but having known quite a few in each service, I offer the following for your amusement. I don't know where it came from, but I found it at APS. Absolutely hysterical, and so far as I can tell, entirely true to life....

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the
UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army,
because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over
waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any
form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a
valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by
their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services.
I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at
all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of
"Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy
sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will
believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the
knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those
around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise
mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high
enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for
the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will
wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I
can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my
uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell
myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told
me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a
court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will
make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is
because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different
Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I
left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I
am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay
home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking
Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take
her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day
at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report
back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training
whatsoever that will help me get a job up! On separation, and will end
up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to
everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be
unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of
my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with
Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the
Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in
dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why
not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to
have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I
understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer
and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a
different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using
words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and
head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole
in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy
acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are
completely different from the other services and make absolutely no
sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning
unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up
around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point
that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and
still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently
busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for
Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly
illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize),
swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix
bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blowup....ugh...Air Force wives.....air strikes....yes
SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah
Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
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XX _________________________________
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